WARNING: Don’t Shine Too Bright!

© By Sunny Strasburg, MA, LMFTI

Seven years ago, I lost 70 pounds and have kept it off. And recently, I lost the final ten pounds to my weight goal. These last ten pounds bothered me. It wasn’t so much about the actual extra poundage I was carrying, but I felt like I was just steps away from looking and feeling the way I wanted to. I didn’t want an average body…I wanted to rock a sexy, lean, super healthy body!

Do you relate? When most Americans are asked if they are currently happy with their bodies, only 17% answer yes. The rest claim they have some to lose—anywhere from 10 pounds to huge numbers—like 300!

The greatest percentage of people answered the wanted to lose 10-15 pounds. So I had a lot of company in my quest. Beth Hubrich of the Calorie Control Council says, “Many have taken the first step – admitting they want to lose weight for overall better health,” She adds that, “half of those surveyed said they wanted to lose at least 10 pounds.”

Because I’m a psychotherapist, I began to seriously ponder why so many of us keep that dream body just steps from becoming an actuality. Are we too lazy? I know I wasn’t—working out for two hours a day and scribbling down every morsel of food I ate down in my food journal for years, without success.

Are we uneducated about how to lose weight? Not at all! The health and fitness industry is the hottest and fastest growing arena in the nonfiction-educational market. We have A LOT of information about what to eat and how to exercise.

So then what is the answer as to why most Americans want to lose 10-15 pounds and can’t seem to achieve their goal? I began to look at the psychology of weight loss. I began to look inside myself—the emotional blocks I had that undermined and sabotaged my ability to have my dream body. It wasn’t until I overcame my own issues with feeling like I deserved and could OWN that body, that I could live in my ultimately healthy, and beautiful body—in the best shape of my life. It was all about getting my MIND, BODY and SPIRIT healthy.

As I peered into the depths of my own psychology and uncovered emotional blocks, the last ten pounds of fat finally, finally melted away. This inspired me so much, that I created, with my partner Demi Langford, Mind Body Fat Loss (www.mindbodyfatloss.com) to teach other people how to do it using the same tools I used.

But the process didn’t end there! I didn’t arrive at that ideal weight and all have all the work done. I thought I would be able to cruise at 120 pounds without a second thought. But, No! More issues kept coming up for me as I was rocking this body that drew comments, stares and projections from every direction. Like a good therapist, I reframed the thought that I had to deal with more issues into, “This situation brings me more wonderful opportunities to learn about myself and reprogram my emotional self that 120 pounds is my new ‘Normal’.”

Personally, my biggest issue ( I have learned from my therapy clients that it is not an uncommon one) is feeling like I don’t deserve to look and feel this good. I had a fear of shining too brightly. Do you relate to this? Because many people, particularly women do.

Here’s an example of how this feeling would show up in my daily life and trip up my goal attainment. I might be at my gym working out and have a guy ogle me… nothing overtly aggressive, just look me up and down. This would cause a surge of anxiety and anger within me. In the past, I used to use these situations to fuel self hatred, and go home and pig out to emotionally numb myself, undoing all the work I had just done at the gym. I had to ask myself, “Why? Why am I sabotaging my weight loss success?” I realized later that the excess weight helped me to make myself invisible, not to stand out too much. I was determined to overcome this in my new phase of Normal.
Have you ever had a feeling come out of nowhere and engulf you like that?

Recently, after really getting lean, sculpting my body with endless hours of weights and conscious eating, I did a fitness photo shoot. I posted a few of the pictures on Facebook of me in a bikini with a huge smile on my face. I was so proud! Just imagine, I had birthed twins and a third baby. I was turning 41 that month. I had weighed 210 pounds just seven years ago. I had struggled with wanting to be invisible. Jusat a short time ago, I had hated seeing my body in the mirror, or myself in photographs. And in that moment, here I was, in total contrast! I was standing tall in my bikini, proud of all my dedication and self realization. I felt like a strong, sexy and athletic work of art.

Comments on my photos started pouring in from dear friends, “Way to go!”; “Beautiful”; “Thanks for the inspiration!” It felt incredible, not only to be mirrored in my success, but to see that my story of transformation was inspiring other women to empower themselves to make theirs!

However, one of the comments wasn’t so welcome. It came in from a man I didn’t know well, he wrote, “”Don’t post such hot pics dear girl……….you’re too hot……creepy stalkers are out there! Hugs!”

I felt that old feeling engulf me, “Don’t shine too bright, go hide, don’t be too beautiful.” And the anger and anxiety that came with it.

After deleting his comment, I responded to him with this, “Thanks for your concern, but comments and attitudes like that are exactly what women like me are working hard to overcome. I have worked hard to sculpt my body to be amazingly functional, strong and beautiful. My hope is that it inspires, rather than instills fear in women to hide away quietly. I prefer to live out loud. Besides, I have martial arts, kettle bell, and boxing training! Haha! Be well, Sunny”

Now, of course I realize his comment was more of a projection of his own issues, rather than mine, but I also looked at it as an opportunity as to why it triggered me so much. As I sat with the feeling and took a stance of curiosity, rather than pushing it away, a cascade of old, hurtful memories cascaded into my conscious mind, washing over me and helping me to realize where it all started.

I work with clients about this kind of thing daily. It was time I used my techniques on myself!

I grew up for the most part, a happy kid. We lived in a blue-collar neighborhood in the west side of Salt Lake City. My parents had me very young. My dad had left his Mormon upbringing and my mom was culturally Italian Roman Catholic, but only peripherally. We were the only family in our neighborhood who wasn’t Mormon.

There was an unspoken narrative in my family, due to the religious upbringing form both my parents, that women shouldn’t draw too much attention to themselves. To shine too bright would be to invite unsolicited aggression and violence from men. A vivid memory came back to me from when I was about 11 years old, where my grandmother and mom were sitting at our kitchen table discussing a local rape case. My grandmother in a low tone leaned toward my mother and said curtly, “Well, she was kind of asking for it…dressing like that!”

The comment rang in my ears and I remember distinctly feeling my cheeks get hot. I wasn’t even a feminist yet, but something turned my gut with that comment. It felt unjust that a victim would be blamed by anyone for attracting violence just by looking a certain way. There was an implication that any man, no matter how upstanding and self aware, could be driven to lose control and become a rapist given the right visual stimuli.

And, unfortunately, this dysfunctional family narrative was reinforced by my local community. As I grew into a teenager, I was studious and straight edged. I never got drunk or did drugs in high school, ever. However, the various adult fathers in my neighborhood would make suggestive comments, almost sexual solicitations to me. This happened at least once every week. I am not saying this is the norm for men of the LDS or any other religion. This was my experience. I guess these guys assumed that because we weren’t in Gods flock, that I was “easy”. In retrospect, as a psychotherapist, I can see this was their own perverted projections, rather than any solicitous slutty-ness or whore qualities in me. But at the time, I felt horrified and powerless.

As a counter valance to this repression and misogyny, as an adult, I internalized this narrative of fierce self-expression. Although not actually sexually promiscuous (in fact quite conservatively hung up then), I emulated the Whore in the Madonna/Whore Complex. I dressed sexy, got educated and made outrageously confrontational outsider art, comic books and animated video games.

At age 32, when my husband and I had kids and I became a mother myself, I didn’t know how to resolve the Madonna with my Whore. I felt split and confused. The roles seemed disparate. How could I be a sexy vixen with a beautiful body, and a nurturing mother? I figured it was time to suppress the wild animal in me and force myself back into the shadows so I gained 90 pounds.

I see it all the time with my therapy clients. We construct these strange realities out of only the bits and pieces of our experiences which resonate with the dominant narrative we already have going. However crazy it sounds, that was my reality. I surrendered to my destiny–a life of frumpy invisibility where I would vicariously live through my kids and the role of nurturing, ever present mother. That would have been fine, if I was happy, but I wasn’t. I hated how I felt physically. I detested how I looked. When I got out of the shower I scurried to get dressed, avoiding the mirror because I didn’t want to see my fat body. And, as how most projections tend to go, I was EXTREMELY jealous of other women who had beautiful bodies, especially if they had kids. I had this weird voice in my head that would tell myself something like, “Well, she must be a terribly mother, being so obsessed with how she looks!”

Well, something shifted in me big time, and I began my weight loss journey. It’s an entire story on its own, and you can read it on my blog here: http://mindbodyfatloss.com/?p=270

After losing that 70 pounds, I was satisfied and proud for awhile, but I wanted to drop that last ten. And when I lost the last 10 pounds, I got my mind, body and spirit in unison. So much of my path to success has been about being willing to look within and delve into what feelings are present and how to overcome internal blocks to having the body I want. I hope in writing and sharing this with you, that you feel empowered on your journey to success. Whatever your dream body looks like to you, go for it! It is an incredible opportunity to discover areas of growth and self actualization!
Be well. You can read more at my blog: www.mindbodyfatloss.com and following me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/SunnyStrasburg

If you would like to learn more about Demi and my e-book, The 8 Secrets to Mind Body Fat Loss, CLICK HERE. If you would like to purchase a copy of the e-book, CLICK HERE

Sunny rocking her bikini! by Weston Hall

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